TRIGGER WARNING: This blog contains discussions that may trigger reminders of topics such as sexual assault, domestic violence, stalking, physical violence, and identity-based discrimination and harassment. Please be mindful of your safety and well-being and only continue reading if you feel safe to do so.

Due to some necessary downtime after setting up THE TUESDAY FORMULA, it has been quite some time since I last wrote. Apologies! But as I said in my last blog (a long time ago), boundaries are important for your wellbeing. In this blog, I wanted to cover the topic of Gaslighting.

Gaslighting can be used to describe a particular set of manipulative behaviours. It is a topic that is raised frequently in my sessions. As such, I thought I would take some time to highlight what gaslighting is and how you can spot it. Importantly, you may be able to reflect and see if you engage in any of these behaviours yourself.

What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is being manipulated or even brainwashed by someone psychologically into questioning your own sanity, feelings, or instincts. Gaslighting can occur in romantic partnerships, families, friendships, workplaces, and in the media. There is typically an inherent power imbalance present; marginalised and disenfranchised people are more likely to experience gaslighting.

The phrase originated from a play and movie made in the 1930s and 1940s named Gaslight. In the story, a husband attempts to drive his wife to insanity by dimming the light on their gaslight lamps and denying that the light has changed.

What does Gaslighting sound like?

• What I said is not racist

• You’re doing this to yourself

• You’re being paranoid

• Stop being so sensitive

• If you protested peacefully more people would listen to you

• You take everything so personally

• You’re being dramatic

• You sound crazy

• That never happened

• I never promised that

• Don’t get upset over nothing

• You need help

• Are you sure that’s what happened?

• Sexism doesn’t exist anymore

• Stop feeling sorry for yourself

• You’re imagining things

• Can you hear yourself?

• I was just joking

• I’m just playing devil’s advocate here

• No one will believe that

• Why is it always about race?

• You’re overreacting

• You’re remembering things wrong

• It’s your own fault

• I’m not on drugs

• You know I never said that

• Just calm down

• I don’t think they were being transphobic

• You’re making a big deal out of nothing

• It’s all in your mind

• I would never have agreed to that

• I’m doing this because I love you

• You are just insecure and jealous

• You didn’t understand what they meant

What does Gaslighting look like?

• Saying one thing but contradicting with behaviour

• Wearing down self-esteem slowly over time

• Using family, friends, or job status as ammunition for coercion

• Denying events despite proof

• Lying

• Sugar-coating toxic experiences or events

• Using occasional confusing/inconsistent positive reinforcement

• Projection of lying, cheating, or manipulation onto others

• Attempts to turn allies against those they support

• Omitting essential information

• Extreme defensiveness

• Hypocrisy

What does Gaslighting feel like?

• Feeling ashamed

• Feeling small

• Not knowing why you’re apologising

• Questioning your beliefs or opinions

• Editing what you’re saying so that it is not misconstrued

• Feeling dismissed

• Feeling anxious or confused about how the other person feels about you

• Feeling like you are overreacting

Important: If have attempted to share your feelings or call someone out for their poor behaviour and you are left feeling small, ashamed, guilty or confused after the interaction, you are likely experiencing gaslighting.

Do I Gaslight others? An example

Imagine being in an argument with somebody you love. They call you out for saying or doing something that was, in all honesty, not your best moment. The conflict is feeling frustrating, overwhelming, scary or unmanageable right now. You hate feeling like things are your fault. Saying sorry, or admitting to what they’re saying, or even just hearing them out, is just going to open a whole can of worms that you don’t have the capacity to handle. They’ll blame you for everything.

So, instead of trying to hear what your loved one is trying to tell you, even if they’re partially right, you try to tell them they are wrong. You tell them they’re making it up, that it’s all in their mind, or even that they’re crazy. You deny that it ever happened, or that if it did you had nothing to do with it. You remind them of all the things they have done wrong in the past. You take the spotlight off you.

What are the impacts of responding this way?

This response may seem relatively harmless in the moment. It feels like an unnecessary hassle getting into an argument. Over time though, these responses become insidious and can result in the other person feeling confused, isolated, anxious, and depressed. Gaslighting, no matter how small or accidental, harms the well-being of others and is emotionally manipulative and abusive. It also prevents the fostering of transparent, healthy, close and nourishing relationships.

Gaslighting is often rooted in past behaviour modelled by others, or a result of being a victim of abuse. If you engage in gaslighting behaviour, seek professional support to unpack this and adapt healthy communication techniques now.

Gaslighting: How to heal

• Learn to set boundaries (see my previous blog here on how to do this)

• Seek therapy (book in a session now with us here)

• Establish social supports

• Practice self-compassion and acceptance that it is not your fault

• Journal

• Watch out for signs of gaslighting

• Be aware of feelings of shame or guilt during communication

Support

If you need support identifying or healing from gaslighting; or unpacking the origins of your own gaslighting behaviour and learning alternatives, please book in for a session with us here.

If this blog has highlighted abusive patterns in your relationship and you or someone you know are in immediate danger of risk, please call 000 or go to your nearest hospital emergency department. To make a referral to a local mental health team, call the Mental Health Line on 1800 011 511. For extra support, call Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800 or Lifeline on 13 11 14.