I have been doing lots of work with clients lately in the area of boundaries. Boundaries are becoming increasingly relevant in this digital age of being constantly available to others, and with presentations of burnout on the rise.

I’m also personally fascinated with boundaries and the potential they have to improve our self-concept.

But what are they? What do they sound like? How do we implement them? Read on to find out more!

What are boundaries?

Boundaries are your personal limits with others. Boundaries should be seen as your own personal law, allowing you to maintain your needs, health, individuality, and space.

Different types of boundaries include physical, emotional, online content, sexual, intellectual, time, conversational, material, or financial, among others. Boundaries are personal, contextual, and changeable.

Examples of boundaries:

• You are not allowed to criticise me just because we are family

• I know that we are in a relationship but I am not ok with you looking through my personal belongings

• I know you are in a crisis right now, but I can’t be the support you need me to be

• I need some more time before I can commit to this, let me get back to you in a day or so

• I need some time to myself tonight to rest

• I'm cool with following each other on social media, but not with sharing passwords

• Your comments about my (sexuality /gender /skin colour /weight /career /outfit /appearance) are not appropriate

• I don’t want to try that sexual position

• I am not following fitness accounts on instagram

How to communicate and keep your boundaries with others

1. Describe the specific behaviour that is not acceptable to you, in discrete and simple terms

2. Focus on communicating your needs, without focusing on the needs of the other person

3. If someone demands you justify or defend your boundaries, use the ‘broken record’ technique and reiterate what your boundaries are, and/or respectfully end the conversation: never feel the need to justify, defend or over-explain your position

4. Consider what action you will take if your boundary is disrespected

5. Don’t assume that just because you have communicated your boundaries that others will respect them (repeat Step 4 where needed)

How to respect the boundaries of others

1. Ask others what their boundaries are in a non-judgmental way

2. Really listen to and accept what they are saying

3. Do not interrupt them

4. If you need further clarification on how you can best respect their boundary, ask with genuine concern

5. Respond respectfully, thank them for sharing their boundaries with you and let them know it is important for you to respect their boundaries moving forward

6. Do not share their boundaries without express permission (this particular boundary may only apply to you and is confidential information)

7. Follow through on what you say

8. Take responsibility for your actions when appropriate

9. Remember: You do not have to agree with that person’s boundaries to respect them. It is a privilege to hear and share the boundaries of those close to you

What to do if someone disrespects your boundaries

1. Let that person know they have crossed your boundary, and let them know how their actions have made you feel

2. If they try to gaslight you or invalidate your hurt feelings – remember that your feelings are valid and reasonable

3. Consider how their actions have impacted you emotionally and consider your energy levels

4. Consider how you feel about the nature of that relationship moving forward – would you be ok with that person disrespecting your boundary for a second or third time?

5. Remember: disrespecting the personal law of someone carries consequences

How to work on asserting your boundaries

If you have long-term difficulty asserting your boundaries, it may take some self-reflection to assert them or to figure out what’s getting in the way. Some questions to ask yourself to begin with:

• What do I get by letting others disrespect my boundaries?

• What am I hoping the outcome will be by letting them disrespect my boundaries?

• What do I really feel in those moments where I let people disrespect my boundaries?

• When have been some other times in my life I have let people disrespect my boundaries?

• Which people in my life let their boundaries be disrespected?

• How do I feel about myself when other people disrespect my boundaries?

• How do I feel about how I am treated by the other people in my life?

• How do I feel when I am able to be honest about my boundaries?

Some other tips to consider when working toward asserting your boundaries:

• Use assertive communication techniques (see blog below for tips)

• Validate your own feelings

• Work towards improving your self-esteem so that you feel more confident to assert boundaries

• Work alongside a therapist if you need to – I recommend THE TUESDAY FORMULA!

Boundary pro-tips

• You do not have to agree with someone’s boundaries to respect them

• If someone has disrespected your boundary, as hurtful as it will feel, this is important information and helpful to know about that person

• Sharing and enforcing your boundaries won’t always feel easy or comfortable

• Just because someone is related to you does not mean they get to disrespect your boundaries

• Sometimes enforcing boundaries can mean losing friends

• A healthy relationship has never suffered because there were boundaries put in place

• You will have different boundaries depending on your different relationships

  • For example, you may feel comfortable with friends you speak to infrequently leaving your messages on read for several days

  • Conversely, you may not feel comfortable having your romantic partner leaving your messages on read for several days

• Your boundaries will grow and change as you do – it is ok to no longer accept behaviour from other’s that you have accepted in the past