Do you have difficulty asking for help? Saying no? Expressing your opinion? Setting boundaries? Expressing anger? Giving criticism? Stating your needs?

Not being assertive can lead to low self-esteem, unhealthy or uncomfortable relationships, feeling out of control of decisions, and feelings of anxiety, stress, resentment, or tension. Lacking assertiveness can stop you from saying what you really think and feel, and can lead to those close to you not really knowing who you truly are. It can also mean you repress anger or frustration which may resurface or be expressed disproportionately in other contexts. Conversely, being too assertive or aggressive can lead to unhealthy relationships and loss of friendships or even employment.

It is helpful to consider communication styles, like most things in life, as being on a continuum. On one end of the continuum is passive communication, in the middle is assertive communication, and on the other end is aggressive communication.

Passive--------Assertive--------Aggressive

Passive communication - what does it look like?

Passive communication is not expressing your honest feelings, thoughts, or beliefs, thereby allowing others to violate your rights or needs. It can also mean violating your own rights or needs in the way you communicate with others. Overarchingly, it is assuming responsibility for how others may feel or react.

Signs that you communicate passively, either face-to-face or online:

• You slouch

• You avert your gaze

• You often use filler words such as “maybe”, “um,”, “sort of”

• You use qualifiers such as “I might be wrong but..”

• You complain about others behind their back

• You put yourself down e.g. “You know me, I’m useless”, “I don’t know anything”

• You apologise inappropriately

• You feel bad or guilty and you don’t know why

• You ruminate

• You use long rambling sentences or beat around the bush

• You believe it is rude or selfish to say what you want

• You worry you will upset others if you say what you think

• You worry that if someone says “no” to your request they don’t like you

• You fear responding to messages in which you have been confronted

Benefits of passive communication:

• You avoid or postpone conflict in the short-term

• You alleviate anxiety in the short-term

• You are often praised for being selfless

• Others attempt to look out for you

• You are rarely blamed if things go wrong because you have not put yourself out there or taken control of the situation

Costs of passive communication:

• Others take advantage of you

• Your image is restricted to being a lovable, good person in the eyes of others

• Repressing your anger or frustration can lead to inappropriate anger outbursts and feelings of sadness

• Your self-esteem can be impacted as you are repressing your true thoughts and feelings, i.e. who you really are, to the world

Aggressive communication - what does it look like?

Aggressive communication is expressing your feelings, thoughts, and beliefs in a way that violates the rights and needs of others.

Signs that you communicate aggressively either face-to-face or online:

• You yell/use capital letters

• You lean forward or lean over

• You message incessantly

• You cross your arms

• You intrude into the other person’s space

• You debate, argue or try to get the other person to agree with you

• You generalise the person as a whole, instead of a specific behaviour they exhibit

• You use put-downs

• You express your opinions as fact

• You gaslight/make the other person feel crazy for expressing their feelings

• You make excuses or attempt to derail the other persons point with irrelevant detail

• You don’t take responsibility for wrongdoing

• You use sarcasm often

Benefits of aggressive communication:

• You feel powerful and in control

• You are able to release tension

• You are less vulnerable

• Things tend to go your way

Costs of aggressive communication:

• Others feel resentment toward you

• You sometimes feel shame or guilt

• You are less likely to have healthy and stable relationships

• It can be difficult to relax

The Pass-Ag Cycle

1. You’re passive when you initially meet somebody else in an attempt to get them to like you.

2. They don’t get to know the real you, your needs may be overlooked, the person begins to take advantage of you, and/or doesn’t take your feelings into account.

3. You grow to resent this person over time.

4. You begin communicating more aggressively and inconsistently: you demonstrate unexpected outbursts of frustration or anger, or stop returning the person’s messages or calls.

5. You abandon the friendship altogether, maybe without even letting them know why.

Instead of getting stuck in this cycle of passive-aggressive communication (we’ve all been there), start how you mean to continue and try instead to communicate assertively from the first meeting…

Assertive communication - what does it look like?

Assertive communication involves communicating your thoughts, feelings and beliefs in an honest way without violating the rights and needs of others. It is the balanced middle ground on the continuum between violating other people’s rights when being aggressive, and violating your own rights when being passive.

Signs that you communicate assertively either online or face-to-face:

• You use direct, non-threatening eye contact

• You communicate emotions and use emoji’s appropriately e.g. smiling when pleased and frowning when angry

• You use ‘I’ statements

• You don’t allow others to take advantage of you

• You don’t attack others for their thoughts, feelings or beliefs

• You actively listen to others

• You make the distinction between fact and your opinion

• You actively seek the opinions and suggestions of others

• You are willing to explore several options

• Your speech is steady, direct, relaxed and appropriate in volume

• You don’t apologise when it isn’t necessary

Benefits of assertive communication:

• Your self-esteem will improve as you act more in accordance with your true self

• Others will get to know what your true thoughts, feelings and beliefs are

• Frustration and anger will be less likely to build

• You will get to know others more deeply as you are less preoccupied with their potential for a negative evaluation of you

Costs of assertive communication:

• People close to you that have benefitted from you being passive may respond poorly (good riddance!)

• Practicing a very different communication style to that which you have been using your entire life is intimidating (but you will get better and better with practice)

Assertiveness
pro-tips

• Assertiveness is not the same as being confrontational or aggressive

• Not every situation requires you to be assertive, e.g. if there is potential for yourself or others to be hurt

• Relatedly, weigh up the pros and cons of being assertive to people of particular generations, cultures or positions

• Being assertive does not mean you will get what you want - you can never control the behaviour, thoughts, or feelings of others

• Assertive communication has the potential to change the relationships you have with others and the way you view yourself

• It is never too late to change the way you communicate